ขอโทษ

ขอโทษ กับทุกสิ่งทุกอย่างที่เกิดขึ้น
ขอโทษกับการที่ทำให้เราสองคนเป็นเเบบนี้
ขอโทษที่ผมกำลังจะหนีไป เเล้วทิ้งให้คุณต้องทนกับสิ่งเหล่านี้คนเดียว
ผมเอง ที่อ้อนวอนขอร้อง ไม่ให้คุณไป
ผมเอง ที่บอกว่าจะยอมทุกๆอย่าง เพื่อให้มีคุณอยู่ในชีวิตผม
ผมไม่เคยคิดว่า ระหว่างที่เราพยายามเยียวยาความรักเรานั้น
มันยากเกินกว่าที่ผมจะรับไหว
คุณเ็ย็นชากับผมเหลือเกิน มากเกินกว่าที่ผมจะทนไหว
อีกเเค่ไม่กี่วัน เราก็จะได้เจอกันเเล้ว
ผมกลัวเหลือเกิน กลัวที่จะพูดอะไรไม่ออก ทุกวันนี้ผมก็พูดอะไรไม่ออกเเล้ว

ผมไม่โกรธคุณหรอกนะ ที่ทำแบบนี้กับผม
เเต่ผมโกรธตัวเอง จนไม่สามารถที่จะให้อภัยตัวเองได้ด้วยซ้ำไป
ผมไม่เเก้ตัวกับสิ่งที่ผมทำลงไป คุณอดทนผมมามาก มากเกินไปด้วยซ้ำ

ตัวเล็ก...ผมคิดถึงคุณ
เวลาที่คุณเอามือผมวางบนมือคุณ เเล้วบอกว่า คุณอยากให้ผมเป็นผู้นำ
ผมคงเป็นผู้นำเเบบที่ไม่ได้เรื่องเอาซะเลยใช่ไหมครับ
ความบ้าบอ อยากเอาชนะ อยากทำร้ายคนอื่นของผม
มันทำให้เราเป็นเเบบนี้ มันทำให้คุณทรมานตลอดเวลาที่มีผม
ผมมันก็ดีแต่บอกว่ารักอย่างงั้นอย่างงี้
ผมมันไม่เคยเเก้ไขอะไรเลย

ผมคิดถึงคุณจริงๆนะ คิดถึงมากๆจนผมต้องตัดสินใจหนีไป
ผมคงจะทนไม่ได้ที่ต้องอยู่คนเดียวอย่างนี้
อีกไม่กี่วันผมก็ต้องสอบเเล้ว ผมขอโทษนะ
เเต่ผมอยากทำทุกๆอย่างให้ผ่านไปได้....ผมไม่อยากต้องมาเรียนซ้ำอีก
อยู่ตรงนี้ อยู่คนเดียวเเบบนี้ เเม้แต่หนังสือผมก็ไม่มีเเรงจับ

ดูแลตัวเองนะ ขอบคุณสำหรับโอกาสที่ให้ผม
ผมมันมองโลกในแง่ร้ายเสมอเหมือนที่คุณเคยพูด
คิดเเต่ว่าคุณจะมีคนนี้คนนั้น คิดเเต่ว่าคุณจะนอกใจ
เงาเก่าๆกับความทรมานเดิมๆ ช่วงหลายปีที่ผ่านมา
ทำให้ผมมาลงที่คุณหมด

ผมขอโทษ
รอผมนะ
ผมรักคุณ

เบื่อ

เบื่อความรู้สึกตัวเอง...ไม่รู้ว่าทำไมอ่อนเเอได้ขนาดนี้
เบื่อกับความรู้สึกของเค้า...ที่ดูเหมือนว่าจะเปลี่ยนไป
คงเป็นเพราะที่เราสองคนทะเลาะกันวันนั้น มันรุนเเรงมากๆ
เเต่พอกลับมานั่งหาคำตอบว่า เราทะเลาะกันเพราะอะไร
ดันได้เเต่คำตอบว่า ไม่รู้ว่ะ ไม่รู้จริงๆ

ทำไมกรุต้องหาเรื่องเค้าตลอดเลยวะ ทั้งๆที่เค้าไม่ได้ทำอะไรผิด
ทำไม่ต้องระเเวง ทั้งๆที่เค้าก้อดีมาตลอด ยอมกรุมาตลอด
เเต่กรุก้อคอยหาเรื่องนั้นเรื่องนี้มาทำให้เค้าหนักใจ

ยอมรับนะ ว่าว่าเค้าเเรงๆไปเยอะมาก
เสียใจ ที่ทำให้ความรู้สึกดีๆที่เค้ามีให้ ความอดทนที่เค้าเคยมีมาตลอดหายไป
วันนั้นคงเเรงที่สุดเเล้วเเหละ สี่ทุ่มกว่าึุถึงหกโมงเช้า
ทะเลาะกันอยู่เรื่องเิดิมๆ เรื่องที่หาคำตอบไม่ได้ว่า เรื่องอะไร
หลังจากวันนั้นมา เค้าก้อเปลี่ยนไป... การพูดจากลายเป็นห้วนๆ
อาจมาบางอารมณ์เค้าติดต่อมาบ้าง ส่งข้อความมาบ้าง
เเต่ไม่รู้สิ กรุเองอีกมั้ง คิดไปว่ามันไม่เหมือนเดิมอีก
บางครั้งก็มีคำำพูดเเรงๆออกมาให้กรุได้น้ำตาซึม
กรุก็เเค่อยากให้เค้าเเคร์ กรุก็เเค่อยากให้เค้าบอกว่า
สิ่งที่กรุพูดไป ประชดประชันไป มันไม่จริงนะ
เเค่อยากให้เค้าง้อ
เเต่ก็อย่างว่าเเหละ ทนมานานเเล้ว เค้าง้อมานานเเล้ว
กรุเเล้วใช่ไหมล่ะ ที่ต้องเป็นฝ่ายง้อ
กลัวเเม่งทุกอย่าง
กลัวเเม่เเต่กระทั่งว่า จะเป็นตัวของตัวเอง
เเววจบ มันส่อเค้ามาลางๆเเล้วเเหละ
เเต่กรุไม่รู้ว่าจบเเบบไหน หรือเมื่อไหร่

กรุเหนื่อย กรุล้า จนเเทบไม่อยากทำห่าไรเเล้ว....
อีกสองอาทิตย์จะได้เจอหน้ากันเเล้ว....
จะอยู่หรือจะไป คงได้คุยกันยาวตอนนั้น...

เเต่กรุจะทนรอจนถึงตอนนั้นได้มั๊ยเนี่ย...ทรมาน

sorry..

Im sorry but im not responsible for anything in ur life anymore.
I tried my best all the time but it was nver good enuf for u to think of me alone.

I had dream to build everythg wif u..but it all gone since you care so much about sumone there.
Rest ur mind...you dun need me acutally...u got mani ppl care for u now
and there is also sumone u care for as well.

I believe i got everythg to give u..but if you cant be honest and loyal to me..wat for i give all that shit to you. I'm not the person without love, without sex....i can find but i choose to give it all to u...
but you did to me is unacceptable....I just cant stand even to think of it..

Too much already...u did too much...
keep saying u love me wont melt my heart anymore.
you wan to cut here cut there...go ahead cz I'm not responsible for ur life..
u did it to urself...i try to protect and wan to live ma life with you but u nver put ur effort even to break up with tat person.

wan to die..jus die..but dun mention my name...
die cz ur stupidity...die coz u duno how to love a single person
you duno how to choose..nt cz of i dun luv u..

u know i luv u...and i said im not leaving u..unless u lie to me again but
you did lie to me again...and again...

My limit has come to the end d...
I had no eyes for other since i togeter wif u ... now it 's time to open my eyes and look at other who care for me...
If love is so hard...jus forget about it lah...

If you cant stop wif that person..go on with her la...watever...
I care for u too much til I nver care for maself d...

wat happened will nver go away frm my heart...so we better end..
I will nver b gud bf to u again...cz i cant do tat to person who btray me...

sorry...it all happened cz of u...
this time...i say sorry cz i feel sorry for ur pain...nt cz i did sumtin wrong...
I did nth wrong

maself...

Time for myself today..
I have written this blog for so long...but never think of writing about myself..
but I do today...
feel like telling the whole world who I am..haha..

Happy? for what I'm feeling now, not really but not sad anyway..

Born in the city of mountains , Chiangmai but I did not have much memories about there except early childhood that I was in a good school and good family.

Everything changed when our family, my parents and I first moved to Bangkok.
I spoke North Thai and did not know how to speak like Bangkok children so every kids around my house...I won't say it's a house only kind of high-class slum, they bullied me lots because of my accent.

There were lots of boring things and also bad things happened.
I remembered my father's relatives tend to hate my mother as they believed that Chinese man should not marry Thai woman.
She endured a lot of pain and I was her creation ... I could feel they hated me as well.

One day, everything was ended in the middle of night...
she walked away trying to carry me with her but could not
and for awhile that I did not see her again.

I remembered from that moment, it was only my father in my life.
He rode motorbike for more than an hour to work trying to live at the same place as
it was near to his family.
I studied my primary in a private school which kinda far from my house too and after years,
my father decided we have to move after I'd done my primary school.

He got a government house located near his organization [Royal Irrigation Thailand].
He did not have to pay for the rent and I could get to study in the new school.
The best school in that province which I could won over 1,500 people and got the place to study.

gosh.lazy to write d...

GOOD....

I hope everythg can be good..
I'm happy we are good these days..
but one thing..
Why ppl around you try to hard to break us...
Can you do sumtin babe?
Can you make sure you will nver btray me?
Not that I do not trust you..but I'm afraid these ppl will
be successful one day if they come in the right time.
There are many things more they did and I dun even
dare to say it out...cz of ur feeling is like a glass in my hand..
I don't wan to break it..again and again

Ppl blame on me for your sadness..I'm a part of ur sadness, I agree...
some ppl 4get even to think that they are a part of your suffer..
some ppl try to find excuses, this or that make you and her cant b togeter
but one ting the person nver look at is self..
Why dint you accept someone in the first place and let the time gone so long

You know what babe?..sumtime ppl around blame u for sumone's sadness
they frget to think about how u feel...
who do u love..
they jus push u to be with sumone cz they think the person loves u..
but they did not ask u...do u love tat person?
For me, ur heart is the most important thing in this love..
if your heart says no to my existence, you know I will jus go right?

Babe...let u know here,

It's good to have a good friend...but not the good friend that
spend you money ... ask for ur money wen ask u to stay wit..
try to take advantage of you when u nver refuse ...
try to make ppl misunderstan tat u r togeter with ...
and even try to own you in front or behind others ...

I love you babe..and
I'm serious about the plan you asked me to...
I want to go with you and thinking how to...

Make this work..make our relationship as beautiful as the first moment
we spent..I miss that time and hope to spend time like that with you everyday.

Thx for supporting me these days...
i will wait til the day I can see you again...
I miss every part of u ..babe..

suffer

Head pain, vomit..duno how to do asg...
Gosh...i wan die tmr...

Miss you..hope you are here...but anyway you are not..
wat to do.. so damn mani tings to do tmr..
the internship thing..damn duno where to go also

I love ur care tonite...I hope you care everyday..
I duno...jus wan to type corectly oso cant
damn blur n y stil write blog..idiot me..

May b scared if tmr u click here wont hav anythg new to read.haha..
I always mk ppl laugh wen inside of me is crying..
wat kind of person i am..damn stupid m i?

b4 i go..babe..
You are not hurting me..so dun blame urself..
we hav to learn to know how to keep tis love
we dunwan to hurt each other according to wat we always say..
I will wait for u..
n plz wait for me..

I promise i wont btray..cz i spent time to find wat i wan
n wen i found u..i dun wan to do anythg tat make it
possible for u to go away frm me..

I love u babe...mak mak leay kub...
i ll try to cm bk wen u go home...
there is another choice of ma internship...i havnt told u yet...
thx sumone u know for the help..hehe

Consider me gone

Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather
i can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence
you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean.
there is nothing i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave with me not knowin' where you're goin'
i start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

I think

I think...
When you gone for a nite without contacting me
It's always be Fri and Sat nites.
I think of many things..may be funny..may be sad..but I think

You may be tired and sleep,
you may be with someone so you can't sms or answer the call,
you may promise the person that you won't call or sms me
when you are with him/her.

You always said "I don't call or sms you, doesn't mean that I don't think of you,"
but everytime you said this, I did not ask "why."

Why you can't call or sms when you go out?
I don't expect you to sms me or call me til don't have to be with frens but
some days you do, you sms til I don't even wan to reply but some days
you do not contact me at all.

Why? Why some days you do and some days you don't.

and what is the reason that you can't touch your phone...
is there someone watching? are you scared of someone knowing or
did you promise someone not to do so?
or is anyone stay with you at your house?

I think of many things, I think....but
I won't listen to other people.
I will wait til you are strong enough and explain everything to me.

I don't care those shit who try to make me down.
I care you .... and hope you will care my feeling as well.
I love you but I'm strong enough to stay without you if the thing is really unclear and I can't stand it. Tell me why, tell me what you have been doing.

Do not let me think !!
cz I do not think positively ...
we are far, we will nver be near in these months...
so prove it to me that you care....or do it more if you are ready to let me go...
or "we are good and we are fine"?

down down down and ~ down

Trying to update the blog but the connection made me bad since this afternoon.
I'm super down with all things around that happened but we are good, aren't we?
Not only about "love" anymore, family things and study also part of my concern.
I'm tired, super tired ... just need few hours to sleep but the phone never stop ringing.

Monday is coming soon and if not wrong, I partly have to decide want or do not want to go on with this relationship. Do I get it right? For now, the feeling is strange ... love, yes I love her but again I don't know whether the love still the same. I do want to take care of her want to be with her not to be so far away and never know anything about her like this. It's not about she going out and not sms or call me but it's about waiting without direction.

I need her with me sometimes .... but no way we can meet at least few months. What is the point? I'm making every effort to meet but seem like I'm doing it alone. When I went to find her, she did not even see me yet but asked me to go back after I meet her already. I did not plan to stay overnight also ... she never know how much I care so I was there. She did not even invite me up there. I feel like she slap onto my face. It was not about I want to go up there or I want to stay there for a night. I knew what I was going to do before I went there, I had responsibilities back here and I needed to rush back as soon as I see her. I just did not expect it would be that kind of reaction and did not expect that the situation would be so met-by-chance thing.

When I asked about what happened after I went back, I did not really understand her answer. I do not dare to ask no more coz I can feel she emo at me and I have to control not to let things get ugly. I have to recite things like "we are good," "we are fine."

I know, writing this things is going to make things between me and her change if she read it and get the wrong meaning but before Monday, before she or me decide what to do with our love, I need her to know what I'm thinking.

What she did make me feel like she is hiding some secrets ... I do not want to know everything but I want to know what related to me. I gave her what she asked from me last night. She told me that she had wanted to ask me to do that long time but did not dare to ask. At first I thought it was bout me, about something she wonder or she concern ... or any part of my life she wanted to know but ... it was not. I did it for her just to keep her happy but for me I'm so-so.

Do I have right to wonder? Yes, I have but if the question is Do I have the right to ask? No, I do not. Things are getting more and more sensitive day by day and I do not want to lose her before the suitable time. No, I should say I don't want her to disappear from my life before the suitable time. She is still her, I do not own her. I'm still me, she does not own me. If we did not meet that night, we are still who we are until now. We will never lose no one ... but using the word here to mean disappearing from each other lives.

She asked me not to react if any of her friends will do something to make me angry but can she? Can she protect me and my feelings? Can she be the one who make that thing not happen by making it clear to everyone that she wants to be with me? Am I worth enough to be with her? She knows how to tell me to do this and that but why she can't do it to other parties that try to break me and her apart. She called them uneducated and asked me not to care but how uneducated they are, she has been with them for years. Can she just stand up and do something to make our love remains?

I'm so tired and restless. Every time I close my eyes, I start to think again. She said she does not want to hurt me anymore then do something. Do something to heal my heart not doing nothing except using words to console me.

The day is coming ... I feel her love ... I feel my heart beating for her ... yet
I do not know what to do...

What if I want to take care of her as my princess,
What if I want to make her the happiest girl in the world,
What if I wan to give her everything that will make her happy,
but if I don't wake up tomorrow ... will she promise me she will be alive and happily with someone that is worth enough and never hurt her like I do?

I feel damn tired til do not want to wake up again .. with everything really every single thing.

L-E-S-S

Just less doing, just less giving into this love. I need time to rest. I need time to think about it. Nothing happened, just suddenly I feel. We are fine and we are good. It's my fault, it's my wrong doing this doing that so much for someone who loves and wants nothing from me. I have to get back on my feet and stand still. Time to think and time to be quiet just to listen to the voice inside my heart. May be I missed out something. May be I skipped listening to some important things inside my heart or I just tend not to hear them.

When I keep my eyes on the floor and say yes to every single request, I forgot to ask my heart what it feels. I forgot to take care of it because I think of taking care of someone's heart. It's not because my heart is stronger but it is because is the person's heart is fragile. I do not want to break her heart. Breaking her heart is breaking mine too.

When I lead her, when I put my hand on hers ... my heart does not want to be the leader. It wants her heart to walk together and share things inside.

If her heart is on the left and my heart is on the right... will it be good if we share the part in the middle. Make our hearts partly connected but not all of places in our heart. She needs to be herself and I need to be myself.

I will give her my strength through that connection and she can give me anything good in her that will make me a better person and I will give her mine as well.

The rest of our hearts are for family, friends and other things in this world except people who want to separate our hearts. We should not give them any space in our hearts. There is no place for that kind people to stand coz if there is, they won't be standing but they will be jumping and trying every way to break our hearts.

I'm not happy right now but touching my heart, it's still breathing and it's breathing for her...
Time babe, I need time never less than you do.
Love you babe...!!