What if I'm forever gone?

I woke up early trying to study more a bit ... not feeling in mood.

I feel stronger ... and ready to let go. The difference are only when my eyes close and open but feel I'm a little bit changed. It may be because of something. My pray to be stronger.

Love is always complicated. Sometimes I think, if I just forget everything after that night, I won't be suffer. If I just treat her like other girls that came into my life during these 3 years, things may be better. But again, I did not do that and I think of her more than that.

What to do next?
End our relationship ... it may be a good idea coz I'm the kind of person believing that "breaking up when we love each other is a beautiful thing," at least, it is better than waiting til things get ugly and we hate each other forever. And I'm scared of hurting her and also hating her.

Continue our relationship ... I'm thinking of her always but I can't control myself not to think so much about what she is doing and with who. She may be thinking of me but she always disappears for days and that is her way of doing things which I can't help not to worry about. What if it's not about having others...what if she falls into a deep shit, sick, feeling bad? I can't even stand by her side. I do not want to change who she is. I'm too far away and it's like we don't even know when we are going to meet.

The funny thing about our love is ... when I'm with her, I feel super happy in every aspect any every single time we spent. I love the hug. She always ask me to lead even when we hold hands which sumtimes I want her to lead me too coz I want her to choose the best for herself not only follow my direction. I'd love to see what she loves. We may be mad and argue on phone, msn or sms but when we are together, problem always solved in few minutes.

I don't want to let this feeling go cz all fighting we have through these stupid media.
If this coming Monday one of us decides not to continue ... will we have to end everything online?

If we have to end, can we have the last beautiful moment ?? I wonder....

..1

Back home here at 1 a.m. I came up til my house d but suddenly thought that I 4got sumtin in my car..damn had to walk so damn far again.

Got a msg from you ... it kind of waking me up actually.. but it was a happy one.
Haha..I feel my blog is so confusing..sum days U, sum days she/her...watever lah..

I consider it as my diary... as long as I came bak to read and understan , Im ok wif it d..
These days may b using so Malaysian English but really feel like using it..
coz it's the way I communicate wif u..

Feel a lot intense chatting wif u today...I mean at first...
I do really miss you lots...I cry a lot just to read your words on screen...
I don't know.. I don't know why .. sometimes you act like a stranger to me..
Sometimes you answers are so cold...
I guess it s coz a lot of feelings inside you... you are still tired of things that have past..

I asked .. but I don't dare to ask more..I just think you will tell me sumting wen you wan me to know. You seem very stress ... and emo .. you may not know urself...
I don't dare to ask and to add any stress to you... I'm scared of you doing sumtin like tat again.

Listen to the song "more than word" you sent to me...
I understand something ... but... no energy..and can't explain about it now...
Have to force myself reading , studying for the test tmr...

Miss you but suddenly feel strong and relieve...
coz I met my best fren after dint c her for a year...
she was funny...we talked a lot and my heart feels better for awhile...now I'm alone again.

I'm trying to control myself ... not to show up in your life so often.

Love you ...nitex...

The Pain

I drove down to KL today, was a damn tired trip. Long hours drive, jam,flood and accidents. I wasted one hour on the highway when an accident happened to a lorry. It seemed to be involved a lot of blood. I even saw and smell human parts. Damn scary...
I met the gal. She may not understand and think tat I just find her for the problem about this and that person but Hell NO !!It was coz the reason she disappeared the night before. I just wanna make sure she is still ok..

I don't know...I wanna cry but in front of her I could not. I did cry after sitting alone and think of why, why she did that. I told her before...and she promised me she will not do that kind of thing again. What I did was wrong and I knew it. I should trust her cz mani things she did prove to me she really wants to make things work but one thing about this time, she did not trust me cz if she trust me, she would have to ask me first before thinking lots more.

Give me a reason on Earth that I wan to hurt her? Why do I want to hurt her? Has she ever thought bout tis...I may be mad and talk to her rudely sumtimes does not mean that I will have to go and mess around. The person I want is her. The words I told was twisted and you know what? I blamed it all to myself...if I don't care about a person without manner..If I act like seeing nth, she would never have do that thing.

Now both or us need time. We found that we don't want this relationship to stop BUT..yeah..I hate the BUT..we do not know what better to do. End also painful, continue also painful coz all the expectation I have on her and all this distance thing. She does not know she can be good enough. May be she does not know that..."I also don't know what is good enough."

I don't need her to be so damn good or anythg like tat...What I need is her being a part of this relationship with full of her heart. Love will lead her the way, as well as leading me. Love can be felt just looking into the eyes...and I hope she feels that when she looks into mine.

A week to go, before giving each other the answer after asking our own hearts. I hope she knew something, I hope she will read...I always write the truth but always say the things tat different from my heart.

I'm not opening for anyone in these 7 days...I'm not leaving until everything is solved. We may continue or we may ended but at least I will find out what I want and wait for your answer too. I'm not fucking any other gals ... I respect her enough for not to hurt her again.

And I hope she takes good care of herself ... I'm not creating any problems ... so she should not be stressful. If she really wans to hurt anything again...I hope she will think of hurting me bt nt hrself. I will stand and let she hits me til she feels enuf, feel good wit it but not again, tat thing.

I hate myself for being a part of it ... and I'm sure everytime I look at it, I will feel painful.
I fucking hate maself...

Loads reponsibilities

I did ask a gal to be my galfren after years of horror...
end up she made me feel the horror again.

It's my own fault actually,
those pics keep pop up in to ma mind.

I do love her...deeply...
and scared of her leaving me.
But, I can do nothing more.

She was gone since 3 pm and appeared into my
hp's screen at almost 1 am....

She asked from me a "trust."
Will you? What do you think if you are in my chair,
if you are sitting here...at my situation, my place.
Give her? or leave her?

To break up ...to leave her,
it will break my heart, obviously.
But....do I expect too much from a lil gal who
is in the kind of openness personality?
Do I hope to much in this love and relationship.

I was hurt, and I'm not sure the wound is really cured.
But this gal is really the one that I feel like
"dont wan to let her go."

I can feel, my words can't touch her heart...
I feel there are secrets ...
but what to do?

I'm a person...I hope she looks at me as a human and
stop treating me like I'm one of people who try to get her heart.

If she is not willing to, why did she accept me as her sumone in the first place.
Why she said that she waited for me to say this.

Someone plz help me to tell her,
if this is a game and if she still has any others,
just go.

I will feel painful but for a while before I stand up and
back to my life.
Tell her not to keep me wonder and worry about
who she will be with and what she will be doing.
My heart is not a toy...
and she has no right to play with it.

She may be doing this to someone but
face it, she has no right to do this to me.

Tell her to respect me coz I respect her since the day
I stand in front and ask her to be my gal.
I protect her when ppl talk bad and tel me not to be with her.
I work hard and save every penny to buy her ticket
just to see me for a short while.

Do I deserve to be in a game if she is playing my feeling?
Yes or No?

Help me to tell her that "I love her,"
does nt mean that I have to close my both eyes
cut my 2 legs and waiting for her to contact me.

She pays back to my love like tis?
or it's jus our misunderstanding and miscommunication?

My tears do drop
but I dont know for wat...
May be just bcoz of the things I dont know
and not clear about....

Not about that person..not about anyone anymore..
but it's about does she love me enuf to face her own heart.

I dun need her to tell all ppl in the world that we are in love
but I do need her to tell ppl that should know.

I feel like giving up soon...although
I think I wan to make everythg best for her.
I planned to back to help my mom to work
for a year before doin my master's...

Feel like waiting her to come bak if she has to go to UK or Aus..
buying a nice house to live in our country ...
get her a nice smart car that she likes...

I belive I can do that if she proves to me she is worth enuf..

I think of her all the time...
go shopping see things and even bought for her..
and got scold by my classmates...

Yeah..i dint do sumtin like tis for so long d..
I nver think of anyone except maself for so long d...
I only think how to lure gals and get to fuck them for free...

She made me changed...


For now, I dont know...
She keeps saying "love," but
I need something to back up her "love."

Only a word is not enuf...

Yeah..I'm bad..and even too bad...

but .. when I do love her...I give her al my heart and
do my best to give her everything in every aspect...

Tell her for me...
If she is not sure or not ready to stop..
talk to me,
tell me she is not ready...
tell me she still wanna have fun with several ppl...

tell her not to drag my life into suffer...
but if she is sure ... about me..
about being with me...

tell her to be sensitive and think of my heart...

She does nt hav to be with me 24 hours a day...
7 days a week..

everyone has space..

but ... tell her to find the meaning of the word "relationship"
from www.dictionary.com

tell her to see how many types of it and
if it's about Love..and being a gf of somone...

What does the word say??

Tell her my love is not a rubbish ...
or if it is..it the one tat cant be recycled..

I love her today..but if one day I do not love her...
I will nver again love her...

Tell her to take care of our love
once she decided to make a commitment...make it the best

She believes in God...
if it's the God's will for us to have this relationship

plz do not disappoint him...
tell her to try her best...not to cincai doing things like tis...

We do not believe in the same God but..
our God ... made us know...
and fell in love...

now it's about us...it depends on us...

How do we take care of the gift from our God??

Another Day

Went to the test today, did not feel good with it.
I thought about what we argued a lot.
I went to college late and could not find the exam venue.
Luckily a lecturer helped me.
I ran around and looked every room, was sweating when reached the hall.

Out of 100 questions, I quite sure only 52 but it always like that lah.
Just pass the test is ok for me already.

I made you cry again today,
I asked too much from you again.

I don't know what is the limit.
You've already given me more than enough, but I never feel enough.

I hate we are not being together...
I miss you, miss the time you are here with me.

For now, it's like waiting to see you again but
don't know when.
Assignments, exams ...all are coming together.
I can't really concentrate especially the time that we quarrel,
just because of I start to talk about those things, again and again.

Please forgive me for what I did.
Every time I hurt you, my heart is breaking too.

I'm complicated, too complicated til even me myself do not understand
what I'm doing.
I want you but don't know why keep hurting you.

May be again, I'm scared ....
scared to be the one you have to hide from others,
scared you will not have only me.

I always feel I'm not good enough...but thx you one thing
one sentence you said to me..
"you are not my choices but you are my decision."
I will remember it,
may be one day, you will find that you made the very wrong "decision."

I love you, babe.
I'm sorry.... I will be better.

~me~

Lots of things to think and to do these days,
I feel really tired.

I try to be cold to you as I don't know how should
I act when I'm not here anymore.

I hate the months of March and April because
most of my past relationships ended in these two months.

I'm afraid it will happen between you and me.

I don't know when will you read this coz
I did not tell you I write it here.
I just want it to be like a diary...
to express what I feel and why I did those things to you.

Once you read it, you will understand.
I'm not good at talking and telling you what I want.
I feel like disappear from the world for few days
and hope when I come back, everything will be better.

I hate what I'm doing now,
I don't really know what I want.

I try hard to study for the test tomorrow but seem like
the book is too big to finish reading it tonight.
I will try again anyway...^_^

I hope I won't do more stupid things,
I hope I won't be mad at you anymore...I hope...

Things are complicated in my mind,
I just don't know where to go and what to do.
The plan I had was destroyed.

Somewhere far away opens for me to be there but
I don't wanna go that far...coz of what, I've already told you.

Haiz...really mad and don't know what to do...
wish you are here to help me think...but
you are not.

I understand about the differences in our ages and distance.
Sometimes I act like a kid and playing with you
does not mean that I don't think anything in my head.

You don't know every time I look at you, I always question that
"how long can I have this girl with me like this?"

I'm not an impressive person.
I can't make you happy everyday or even bring new excited things into your life.
I'm just an ordinary with low self-esteem about love.

Please tell me if you are not sure about anything,
I won't be able to handle if one day you suddenly
disappear from my life.

~~~~~~

~I don't know how long I can love "a person," as I don't always "love."~

It's not the first time I ask a person to be my girlfriend...
I don't remember how long ago I did that.

Last Friday, I did it again ... and the answer was "yes."
Truly telling you here babe, I don't know how good I can be.

It was funny standing in front of the border and asked you to be with me.
I should do it in the better place at least to make you have better memory
about our starting day...I'm sorry...

I wanted to ask you many days already but ... I was not sure
"about myself." Not that I don't love you but it was about I'm afraid
I can't love you well enough.

I used to live my life with full of one-night-stands and
a short period excitement.
I don't cherish girls who came into my life.

You made it very hard for me to say it out...coz so long I never thought of having a
"serious relationship."
You made me feel like want to take care of you forever...
when I know in my heart that...I'm not even near the word "good."

We met each other not for so long and things happened so fast,
but I feel happy being with you these days.
It was a very tired trip. We had limited time with too many plans.
We did not do all we wanted but being with you is all I want.

You completed everything I wanted.
I don't need a perfect person to be with me ... I just need someone simple
and love me...yea...you had both of them.

I wish you can be here longer...
I wish we can spend more time to learn about each other...
It may happen but just not now, not today.

That make me feel scared...
You may meet lots of people ... and one day you may fall for someone..
who is nearer and can take care of you better than I do.
I may meet lots of people...and something or someone may make me change my love for you.

I'm not looking down on your love for me
and I'm not planning to have others but the distance sometimes make us
misunderstand each other and when the conflict happens...
we may do something stupid just to hurt each other.

I care with every little things that sometimes you may not realize.
I feel sad with every little things even you sms can make me feel like
you are cold to me when you don't mean that.

I'm scared of crossing the line and bringing myself into your life too much...
when love is not about that.
I should be in a part that you allow me to be...not crossing the line.

Few days with me, I guess you know a lot how to deal with me...
for me, you are still complicated but I know more about you.

You cry a lot and you sleep a lot as well. -_-!!
It's very hard to wake you up....
I feel that I smile a lot when I'm with you
and you laugh a lot...I'm not sure It coz of me or not...

I don't know what can I say more...
I don't know what I feel except want to hug you here again.

I will try babe, not to think to much, not to be emo and also will not skip class.
I know I love you and I do not want to lose you.
You make me feel wanna improve myself and my life.
I wanna have everything good to take care of you.
I don't know how good I can do
but I'm gonna try my best.

Sorry babe, I don't always "love."
I don't know what to do when I'm in love.
Sorry if I hurt you always,
sorry if I make you cry always,
sorry for everything I did ....
I love you babe ... here you make me say it again.

~accept or just leave it~`~??

Telling you here,
I'm not a perfect person.
I'm a drunker, I'm a loser and
I'm just an ordinary person who can hurt you anytime.

I do like you and I'm going to love you, BUT
I do not know how good I can be.

I do not want you to put any hope on me,
coz I'm afraid of responsibilities, may be just as
some other people do.

Babe, I do not wanna lose you.
Babe, I do wanna have you here in my arms to
tell you how much I care.

But, I'm always afraid and
everything I do is to protect myself from getting hurt.

You are a mysterious of my life that
I need more and more time to find out.

I know I can just type everything here and
ask you straightly but I do not want to do that.
I do not know why too.

I do want you here in front of me to be asked coz
if there is anything wrong,
I can hug you and ask you not to go away.
I hate the feeling of being alone with
too many questions in my mind.

I am afraid of one day I will feel running away
and leave everything behind.
I do not know what you will feel that day,
but you seem so strong until sometimes,
it seem you are cold to me.

Not every minute I want to hear everything from you,
but I do need to hear that you need me as I do need you.

I am weak coz what I have gone through but,
babe you are not responsible for anything before
you know me.

Remember what you said to me,
I want you, I need you and I desperate for you...
Babe, I do feel them too.

Not so long to wait and we will meet but for me,
everyday pass so slow.

I can't wait to see you, again.
I hope things will be great just as the first night we had,
the great time of you and me as well.

I do miss you, a lot.

...you...

What to say here huh?
You are the one who really make me feel alive.
I had not felt this good for so long or I did not even think
that I can feel this way again.
I want to write it in Thai but you won't understand
although you are a Thai...haha....

I want to tell you here that
please do not worry about anything you see.
I think if I see you write sumtin like tat, I will
feel damn painful....
but it's all history and it won't repeat.

I'm sorry for being "emo" to you many times
since we knew.
I would like to take this place, here and now
to APOLOGIZE.
We need more time to learn about each other,
I hope during we are learning, we can keep the
amount of conflict low.

You are going to be so tired this coming week,
I'm here to support you and want you to
make all the thing to be the best.

Many things about you still uncleared, but
I will leave them somewhere until the day we meet.

Thx everything in this world that led me to that place
on that night. What is going to happen after today,
I believe at least we had the very best time
that we are going to remember.

Not everyday we go somewhere, and meet a person who we want
to know more and more like this.
I'm glad you are somewhere for me,
accompany me when I need you.

Thank you for everything,
I do not know how long it will be.
I do not wanna lose you but
if one day, it has to happen.
I will accept the fact,
and....say
"it's fate."

Babe.....
you know I like to call you...