ขอโทษ

ขอโทษ กับทุกสิ่งทุกอย่างที่เกิดขึ้น
ขอโทษกับการที่ทำให้เราสองคนเป็นเเบบนี้
ขอโทษที่ผมกำลังจะหนีไป เเล้วทิ้งให้คุณต้องทนกับสิ่งเหล่านี้คนเดียว
ผมเอง ที่อ้อนวอนขอร้อง ไม่ให้คุณไป
ผมเอง ที่บอกว่าจะยอมทุกๆอย่าง เพื่อให้มีคุณอยู่ในชีวิตผม
ผมไม่เคยคิดว่า ระหว่างที่เราพยายามเยียวยาความรักเรานั้น
มันยากเกินกว่าที่ผมจะรับไหว
คุณเ็ย็นชากับผมเหลือเกิน มากเกินกว่าที่ผมจะทนไหว
อีกเเค่ไม่กี่วัน เราก็จะได้เจอกันเเล้ว
ผมกลัวเหลือเกิน กลัวที่จะพูดอะไรไม่ออก ทุกวันนี้ผมก็พูดอะไรไม่ออกเเล้ว

ผมไม่โกรธคุณหรอกนะ ที่ทำแบบนี้กับผม
เเต่ผมโกรธตัวเอง จนไม่สามารถที่จะให้อภัยตัวเองได้ด้วยซ้ำไป
ผมไม่เเก้ตัวกับสิ่งที่ผมทำลงไป คุณอดทนผมมามาก มากเกินไปด้วยซ้ำ

ตัวเล็ก...ผมคิดถึงคุณ
เวลาที่คุณเอามือผมวางบนมือคุณ เเล้วบอกว่า คุณอยากให้ผมเป็นผู้นำ
ผมคงเป็นผู้นำเเบบที่ไม่ได้เรื่องเอาซะเลยใช่ไหมครับ
ความบ้าบอ อยากเอาชนะ อยากทำร้ายคนอื่นของผม
มันทำให้เราเป็นเเบบนี้ มันทำให้คุณทรมานตลอดเวลาที่มีผม
ผมมันก็ดีแต่บอกว่ารักอย่างงั้นอย่างงี้
ผมมันไม่เคยเเก้ไขอะไรเลย

ผมคิดถึงคุณจริงๆนะ คิดถึงมากๆจนผมต้องตัดสินใจหนีไป
ผมคงจะทนไม่ได้ที่ต้องอยู่คนเดียวอย่างนี้
อีกไม่กี่วันผมก็ต้องสอบเเล้ว ผมขอโทษนะ
เเต่ผมอยากทำทุกๆอย่างให้ผ่านไปได้....ผมไม่อยากต้องมาเรียนซ้ำอีก
อยู่ตรงนี้ อยู่คนเดียวเเบบนี้ เเม้แต่หนังสือผมก็ไม่มีเเรงจับ

ดูแลตัวเองนะ ขอบคุณสำหรับโอกาสที่ให้ผม
ผมมันมองโลกในแง่ร้ายเสมอเหมือนที่คุณเคยพูด
คิดเเต่ว่าคุณจะมีคนนี้คนนั้น คิดเเต่ว่าคุณจะนอกใจ
เงาเก่าๆกับความทรมานเดิมๆ ช่วงหลายปีที่ผ่านมา
ทำให้ผมมาลงที่คุณหมด

ผมขอโทษ
รอผมนะ
ผมรักคุณ

เบื่อ

เบื่อความรู้สึกตัวเอง...ไม่รู้ว่าทำไมอ่อนเเอได้ขนาดนี้
เบื่อกับความรู้สึกของเค้า...ที่ดูเหมือนว่าจะเปลี่ยนไป
คงเป็นเพราะที่เราสองคนทะเลาะกันวันนั้น มันรุนเเรงมากๆ
เเต่พอกลับมานั่งหาคำตอบว่า เราทะเลาะกันเพราะอะไร
ดันได้เเต่คำตอบว่า ไม่รู้ว่ะ ไม่รู้จริงๆ

ทำไมกรุต้องหาเรื่องเค้าตลอดเลยวะ ทั้งๆที่เค้าไม่ได้ทำอะไรผิด
ทำไม่ต้องระเเวง ทั้งๆที่เค้าก้อดีมาตลอด ยอมกรุมาตลอด
เเต่กรุก้อคอยหาเรื่องนั้นเรื่องนี้มาทำให้เค้าหนักใจ

ยอมรับนะ ว่าว่าเค้าเเรงๆไปเยอะมาก
เสียใจ ที่ทำให้ความรู้สึกดีๆที่เค้ามีให้ ความอดทนที่เค้าเคยมีมาตลอดหายไป
วันนั้นคงเเรงที่สุดเเล้วเเหละ สี่ทุ่มกว่าึุถึงหกโมงเช้า
ทะเลาะกันอยู่เรื่องเิดิมๆ เรื่องที่หาคำตอบไม่ได้ว่า เรื่องอะไร
หลังจากวันนั้นมา เค้าก้อเปลี่ยนไป... การพูดจากลายเป็นห้วนๆ
อาจมาบางอารมณ์เค้าติดต่อมาบ้าง ส่งข้อความมาบ้าง
เเต่ไม่รู้สิ กรุเองอีกมั้ง คิดไปว่ามันไม่เหมือนเดิมอีก
บางครั้งก็มีคำำพูดเเรงๆออกมาให้กรุได้น้ำตาซึม
กรุก็เเค่อยากให้เค้าเเคร์ กรุก็เเค่อยากให้เค้าบอกว่า
สิ่งที่กรุพูดไป ประชดประชันไป มันไม่จริงนะ
เเค่อยากให้เค้าง้อ
เเต่ก็อย่างว่าเเหละ ทนมานานเเล้ว เค้าง้อมานานเเล้ว
กรุเเล้วใช่ไหมล่ะ ที่ต้องเป็นฝ่ายง้อ
กลัวเเม่งทุกอย่าง
กลัวเเม่เเต่กระทั่งว่า จะเป็นตัวของตัวเอง
เเววจบ มันส่อเค้ามาลางๆเเล้วเเหละ
เเต่กรุไม่รู้ว่าจบเเบบไหน หรือเมื่อไหร่

กรุเหนื่อย กรุล้า จนเเทบไม่อยากทำห่าไรเเล้ว....
อีกสองอาทิตย์จะได้เจอหน้ากันเเล้ว....
จะอยู่หรือจะไป คงได้คุยกันยาวตอนนั้น...

เเต่กรุจะทนรอจนถึงตอนนั้นได้มั๊ยเนี่ย...ทรมาน

sorry..

Im sorry but im not responsible for anything in ur life anymore.
I tried my best all the time but it was nver good enuf for u to think of me alone.

I had dream to build everythg wif u..but it all gone since you care so much about sumone there.
Rest ur mind...you dun need me acutally...u got mani ppl care for u now
and there is also sumone u care for as well.

I believe i got everythg to give u..but if you cant be honest and loyal to me..wat for i give all that shit to you. I'm not the person without love, without sex....i can find but i choose to give it all to u...
but you did to me is unacceptable....I just cant stand even to think of it..

Too much already...u did too much...
keep saying u love me wont melt my heart anymore.
you wan to cut here cut there...go ahead cz I'm not responsible for ur life..
u did it to urself...i try to protect and wan to live ma life with you but u nver put ur effort even to break up with tat person.

wan to die..jus die..but dun mention my name...
die cz ur stupidity...die coz u duno how to love a single person
you duno how to choose..nt cz of i dun luv u..

u know i luv u...and i said im not leaving u..unless u lie to me again but
you did lie to me again...and again...

My limit has come to the end d...
I had no eyes for other since i togeter wif u ... now it 's time to open my eyes and look at other who care for me...
If love is so hard...jus forget about it lah...

If you cant stop wif that person..go on with her la...watever...
I care for u too much til I nver care for maself d...

wat happened will nver go away frm my heart...so we better end..
I will nver b gud bf to u again...cz i cant do tat to person who btray me...

sorry...it all happened cz of u...
this time...i say sorry cz i feel sorry for ur pain...nt cz i did sumtin wrong...
I did nth wrong

maself...

Time for myself today..
I have written this blog for so long...but never think of writing about myself..
but I do today...
feel like telling the whole world who I am..haha..

Happy? for what I'm feeling now, not really but not sad anyway..

Born in the city of mountains , Chiangmai but I did not have much memories about there except early childhood that I was in a good school and good family.

Everything changed when our family, my parents and I first moved to Bangkok.
I spoke North Thai and did not know how to speak like Bangkok children so every kids around my house...I won't say it's a house only kind of high-class slum, they bullied me lots because of my accent.

There were lots of boring things and also bad things happened.
I remembered my father's relatives tend to hate my mother as they believed that Chinese man should not marry Thai woman.
She endured a lot of pain and I was her creation ... I could feel they hated me as well.

One day, everything was ended in the middle of night...
she walked away trying to carry me with her but could not
and for awhile that I did not see her again.

I remembered from that moment, it was only my father in my life.
He rode motorbike for more than an hour to work trying to live at the same place as
it was near to his family.
I studied my primary in a private school which kinda far from my house too and after years,
my father decided we have to move after I'd done my primary school.

He got a government house located near his organization [Royal Irrigation Thailand].
He did not have to pay for the rent and I could get to study in the new school.
The best school in that province which I could won over 1,500 people and got the place to study.

gosh.lazy to write d...

GOOD....

I hope everythg can be good..
I'm happy we are good these days..
but one thing..
Why ppl around you try to hard to break us...
Can you do sumtin babe?
Can you make sure you will nver btray me?
Not that I do not trust you..but I'm afraid these ppl will
be successful one day if they come in the right time.
There are many things more they did and I dun even
dare to say it out...cz of ur feeling is like a glass in my hand..
I don't wan to break it..again and again

Ppl blame on me for your sadness..I'm a part of ur sadness, I agree...
some ppl 4get even to think that they are a part of your suffer..
some ppl try to find excuses, this or that make you and her cant b togeter
but one ting the person nver look at is self..
Why dint you accept someone in the first place and let the time gone so long

You know what babe?..sumtime ppl around blame u for sumone's sadness
they frget to think about how u feel...
who do u love..
they jus push u to be with sumone cz they think the person loves u..
but they did not ask u...do u love tat person?
For me, ur heart is the most important thing in this love..
if your heart says no to my existence, you know I will jus go right?

Babe...let u know here,

It's good to have a good friend...but not the good friend that
spend you money ... ask for ur money wen ask u to stay wit..
try to take advantage of you when u nver refuse ...
try to make ppl misunderstan tat u r togeter with ...
and even try to own you in front or behind others ...

I love you babe..and
I'm serious about the plan you asked me to...
I want to go with you and thinking how to...

Make this work..make our relationship as beautiful as the first moment
we spent..I miss that time and hope to spend time like that with you everyday.

Thx for supporting me these days...
i will wait til the day I can see you again...
I miss every part of u ..babe..

suffer

Head pain, vomit..duno how to do asg...
Gosh...i wan die tmr...

Miss you..hope you are here...but anyway you are not..
wat to do.. so damn mani tings to do tmr..
the internship thing..damn duno where to go also

I love ur care tonite...I hope you care everyday..
I duno...jus wan to type corectly oso cant
damn blur n y stil write blog..idiot me..

May b scared if tmr u click here wont hav anythg new to read.haha..
I always mk ppl laugh wen inside of me is crying..
wat kind of person i am..damn stupid m i?

b4 i go..babe..
You are not hurting me..so dun blame urself..
we hav to learn to know how to keep tis love
we dunwan to hurt each other according to wat we always say..
I will wait for u..
n plz wait for me..

I promise i wont btray..cz i spent time to find wat i wan
n wen i found u..i dun wan to do anythg tat make it
possible for u to go away frm me..

I love u babe...mak mak leay kub...
i ll try to cm bk wen u go home...
there is another choice of ma internship...i havnt told u yet...
thx sumone u know for the help..hehe

Consider me gone

Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather
i can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence
you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean.
there is nothing i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave with me not knowin' where you're goin'
i start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

I think

I think...
When you gone for a nite without contacting me
It's always be Fri and Sat nites.
I think of many things..may be funny..may be sad..but I think

You may be tired and sleep,
you may be with someone so you can't sms or answer the call,
you may promise the person that you won't call or sms me
when you are with him/her.

You always said "I don't call or sms you, doesn't mean that I don't think of you,"
but everytime you said this, I did not ask "why."

Why you can't call or sms when you go out?
I don't expect you to sms me or call me til don't have to be with frens but
some days you do, you sms til I don't even wan to reply but some days
you do not contact me at all.

Why? Why some days you do and some days you don't.

and what is the reason that you can't touch your phone...
is there someone watching? are you scared of someone knowing or
did you promise someone not to do so?
or is anyone stay with you at your house?

I think of many things, I think....but
I won't listen to other people.
I will wait til you are strong enough and explain everything to me.

I don't care those shit who try to make me down.
I care you .... and hope you will care my feeling as well.
I love you but I'm strong enough to stay without you if the thing is really unclear and I can't stand it. Tell me why, tell me what you have been doing.

Do not let me think !!
cz I do not think positively ...
we are far, we will nver be near in these months...
so prove it to me that you care....or do it more if you are ready to let me go...
or "we are good and we are fine"?

down down down and ~ down

Trying to update the blog but the connection made me bad since this afternoon.
I'm super down with all things around that happened but we are good, aren't we?
Not only about "love" anymore, family things and study also part of my concern.
I'm tired, super tired ... just need few hours to sleep but the phone never stop ringing.

Monday is coming soon and if not wrong, I partly have to decide want or do not want to go on with this relationship. Do I get it right? For now, the feeling is strange ... love, yes I love her but again I don't know whether the love still the same. I do want to take care of her want to be with her not to be so far away and never know anything about her like this. It's not about she going out and not sms or call me but it's about waiting without direction.

I need her with me sometimes .... but no way we can meet at least few months. What is the point? I'm making every effort to meet but seem like I'm doing it alone. When I went to find her, she did not even see me yet but asked me to go back after I meet her already. I did not plan to stay overnight also ... she never know how much I care so I was there. She did not even invite me up there. I feel like she slap onto my face. It was not about I want to go up there or I want to stay there for a night. I knew what I was going to do before I went there, I had responsibilities back here and I needed to rush back as soon as I see her. I just did not expect it would be that kind of reaction and did not expect that the situation would be so met-by-chance thing.

When I asked about what happened after I went back, I did not really understand her answer. I do not dare to ask no more coz I can feel she emo at me and I have to control not to let things get ugly. I have to recite things like "we are good," "we are fine."

I know, writing this things is going to make things between me and her change if she read it and get the wrong meaning but before Monday, before she or me decide what to do with our love, I need her to know what I'm thinking.

What she did make me feel like she is hiding some secrets ... I do not want to know everything but I want to know what related to me. I gave her what she asked from me last night. She told me that she had wanted to ask me to do that long time but did not dare to ask. At first I thought it was bout me, about something she wonder or she concern ... or any part of my life she wanted to know but ... it was not. I did it for her just to keep her happy but for me I'm so-so.

Do I have right to wonder? Yes, I have but if the question is Do I have the right to ask? No, I do not. Things are getting more and more sensitive day by day and I do not want to lose her before the suitable time. No, I should say I don't want her to disappear from my life before the suitable time. She is still her, I do not own her. I'm still me, she does not own me. If we did not meet that night, we are still who we are until now. We will never lose no one ... but using the word here to mean disappearing from each other lives.

She asked me not to react if any of her friends will do something to make me angry but can she? Can she protect me and my feelings? Can she be the one who make that thing not happen by making it clear to everyone that she wants to be with me? Am I worth enough to be with her? She knows how to tell me to do this and that but why she can't do it to other parties that try to break me and her apart. She called them uneducated and asked me not to care but how uneducated they are, she has been with them for years. Can she just stand up and do something to make our love remains?

I'm so tired and restless. Every time I close my eyes, I start to think again. She said she does not want to hurt me anymore then do something. Do something to heal my heart not doing nothing except using words to console me.

The day is coming ... I feel her love ... I feel my heart beating for her ... yet
I do not know what to do...

What if I want to take care of her as my princess,
What if I want to make her the happiest girl in the world,
What if I wan to give her everything that will make her happy,
but if I don't wake up tomorrow ... will she promise me she will be alive and happily with someone that is worth enough and never hurt her like I do?

I feel damn tired til do not want to wake up again .. with everything really every single thing.

L-E-S-S

Just less doing, just less giving into this love. I need time to rest. I need time to think about it. Nothing happened, just suddenly I feel. We are fine and we are good. It's my fault, it's my wrong doing this doing that so much for someone who loves and wants nothing from me. I have to get back on my feet and stand still. Time to think and time to be quiet just to listen to the voice inside my heart. May be I missed out something. May be I skipped listening to some important things inside my heart or I just tend not to hear them.

When I keep my eyes on the floor and say yes to every single request, I forgot to ask my heart what it feels. I forgot to take care of it because I think of taking care of someone's heart. It's not because my heart is stronger but it is because is the person's heart is fragile. I do not want to break her heart. Breaking her heart is breaking mine too.

When I lead her, when I put my hand on hers ... my heart does not want to be the leader. It wants her heart to walk together and share things inside.

If her heart is on the left and my heart is on the right... will it be good if we share the part in the middle. Make our hearts partly connected but not all of places in our heart. She needs to be herself and I need to be myself.

I will give her my strength through that connection and she can give me anything good in her that will make me a better person and I will give her mine as well.

The rest of our hearts are for family, friends and other things in this world except people who want to separate our hearts. We should not give them any space in our hearts. There is no place for that kind people to stand coz if there is, they won't be standing but they will be jumping and trying every way to break our hearts.

I'm not happy right now but touching my heart, it's still breathing and it's breathing for her...
Time babe, I need time never less than you do.
Love you babe...!!

What if I'm forever gone?

I woke up early trying to study more a bit ... not feeling in mood.

I feel stronger ... and ready to let go. The difference are only when my eyes close and open but feel I'm a little bit changed. It may be because of something. My pray to be stronger.

Love is always complicated. Sometimes I think, if I just forget everything after that night, I won't be suffer. If I just treat her like other girls that came into my life during these 3 years, things may be better. But again, I did not do that and I think of her more than that.

What to do next?
End our relationship ... it may be a good idea coz I'm the kind of person believing that "breaking up when we love each other is a beautiful thing," at least, it is better than waiting til things get ugly and we hate each other forever. And I'm scared of hurting her and also hating her.

Continue our relationship ... I'm thinking of her always but I can't control myself not to think so much about what she is doing and with who. She may be thinking of me but she always disappears for days and that is her way of doing things which I can't help not to worry about. What if it's not about having others...what if she falls into a deep shit, sick, feeling bad? I can't even stand by her side. I do not want to change who she is. I'm too far away and it's like we don't even know when we are going to meet.

The funny thing about our love is ... when I'm with her, I feel super happy in every aspect any every single time we spent. I love the hug. She always ask me to lead even when we hold hands which sumtimes I want her to lead me too coz I want her to choose the best for herself not only follow my direction. I'd love to see what she loves. We may be mad and argue on phone, msn or sms but when we are together, problem always solved in few minutes.

I don't want to let this feeling go cz all fighting we have through these stupid media.
If this coming Monday one of us decides not to continue ... will we have to end everything online?

If we have to end, can we have the last beautiful moment ?? I wonder....

..1

Back home here at 1 a.m. I came up til my house d but suddenly thought that I 4got sumtin in my car..damn had to walk so damn far again.

Got a msg from you ... it kind of waking me up actually.. but it was a happy one.
Haha..I feel my blog is so confusing..sum days U, sum days she/her...watever lah..

I consider it as my diary... as long as I came bak to read and understan , Im ok wif it d..
These days may b using so Malaysian English but really feel like using it..
coz it's the way I communicate wif u..

Feel a lot intense chatting wif u today...I mean at first...
I do really miss you lots...I cry a lot just to read your words on screen...
I don't know.. I don't know why .. sometimes you act like a stranger to me..
Sometimes you answers are so cold...
I guess it s coz a lot of feelings inside you... you are still tired of things that have past..

I asked .. but I don't dare to ask more..I just think you will tell me sumting wen you wan me to know. You seem very stress ... and emo .. you may not know urself...
I don't dare to ask and to add any stress to you... I'm scared of you doing sumtin like tat again.

Listen to the song "more than word" you sent to me...
I understand something ... but... no energy..and can't explain about it now...
Have to force myself reading , studying for the test tmr...

Miss you but suddenly feel strong and relieve...
coz I met my best fren after dint c her for a year...
she was funny...we talked a lot and my heart feels better for awhile...now I'm alone again.

I'm trying to control myself ... not to show up in your life so often.

Love you ...nitex...

The Pain

I drove down to KL today, was a damn tired trip. Long hours drive, jam,flood and accidents. I wasted one hour on the highway when an accident happened to a lorry. It seemed to be involved a lot of blood. I even saw and smell human parts. Damn scary...
I met the gal. She may not understand and think tat I just find her for the problem about this and that person but Hell NO !!It was coz the reason she disappeared the night before. I just wanna make sure she is still ok..

I don't know...I wanna cry but in front of her I could not. I did cry after sitting alone and think of why, why she did that. I told her before...and she promised me she will not do that kind of thing again. What I did was wrong and I knew it. I should trust her cz mani things she did prove to me she really wants to make things work but one thing about this time, she did not trust me cz if she trust me, she would have to ask me first before thinking lots more.

Give me a reason on Earth that I wan to hurt her? Why do I want to hurt her? Has she ever thought bout tis...I may be mad and talk to her rudely sumtimes does not mean that I will have to go and mess around. The person I want is her. The words I told was twisted and you know what? I blamed it all to myself...if I don't care about a person without manner..If I act like seeing nth, she would never have do that thing.

Now both or us need time. We found that we don't want this relationship to stop BUT..yeah..I hate the BUT..we do not know what better to do. End also painful, continue also painful coz all the expectation I have on her and all this distance thing. She does not know she can be good enough. May be she does not know that..."I also don't know what is good enough."

I don't need her to be so damn good or anythg like tat...What I need is her being a part of this relationship with full of her heart. Love will lead her the way, as well as leading me. Love can be felt just looking into the eyes...and I hope she feels that when she looks into mine.

A week to go, before giving each other the answer after asking our own hearts. I hope she knew something, I hope she will read...I always write the truth but always say the things tat different from my heart.

I'm not opening for anyone in these 7 days...I'm not leaving until everything is solved. We may continue or we may ended but at least I will find out what I want and wait for your answer too. I'm not fucking any other gals ... I respect her enough for not to hurt her again.

And I hope she takes good care of herself ... I'm not creating any problems ... so she should not be stressful. If she really wans to hurt anything again...I hope she will think of hurting me bt nt hrself. I will stand and let she hits me til she feels enuf, feel good wit it but not again, tat thing.

I hate myself for being a part of it ... and I'm sure everytime I look at it, I will feel painful.
I fucking hate maself...

Loads reponsibilities

I did ask a gal to be my galfren after years of horror...
end up she made me feel the horror again.

It's my own fault actually,
those pics keep pop up in to ma mind.

I do love her...deeply...
and scared of her leaving me.
But, I can do nothing more.

She was gone since 3 pm and appeared into my
hp's screen at almost 1 am....

She asked from me a "trust."
Will you? What do you think if you are in my chair,
if you are sitting here...at my situation, my place.
Give her? or leave her?

To break up ...to leave her,
it will break my heart, obviously.
But....do I expect too much from a lil gal who
is in the kind of openness personality?
Do I hope to much in this love and relationship.

I was hurt, and I'm not sure the wound is really cured.
But this gal is really the one that I feel like
"dont wan to let her go."

I can feel, my words can't touch her heart...
I feel there are secrets ...
but what to do?

I'm a person...I hope she looks at me as a human and
stop treating me like I'm one of people who try to get her heart.

If she is not willing to, why did she accept me as her sumone in the first place.
Why she said that she waited for me to say this.

Someone plz help me to tell her,
if this is a game and if she still has any others,
just go.

I will feel painful but for a while before I stand up and
back to my life.
Tell her not to keep me wonder and worry about
who she will be with and what she will be doing.
My heart is not a toy...
and she has no right to play with it.

She may be doing this to someone but
face it, she has no right to do this to me.

Tell her to respect me coz I respect her since the day
I stand in front and ask her to be my gal.
I protect her when ppl talk bad and tel me not to be with her.
I work hard and save every penny to buy her ticket
just to see me for a short while.

Do I deserve to be in a game if she is playing my feeling?
Yes or No?

Help me to tell her that "I love her,"
does nt mean that I have to close my both eyes
cut my 2 legs and waiting for her to contact me.

She pays back to my love like tis?
or it's jus our misunderstanding and miscommunication?

My tears do drop
but I dont know for wat...
May be just bcoz of the things I dont know
and not clear about....

Not about that person..not about anyone anymore..
but it's about does she love me enuf to face her own heart.

I dun need her to tell all ppl in the world that we are in love
but I do need her to tell ppl that should know.

I feel like giving up soon...although
I think I wan to make everythg best for her.
I planned to back to help my mom to work
for a year before doin my master's...

Feel like waiting her to come bak if she has to go to UK or Aus..
buying a nice house to live in our country ...
get her a nice smart car that she likes...

I belive I can do that if she proves to me she is worth enuf..

I think of her all the time...
go shopping see things and even bought for her..
and got scold by my classmates...

Yeah..i dint do sumtin like tis for so long d..
I nver think of anyone except maself for so long d...
I only think how to lure gals and get to fuck them for free...

She made me changed...


For now, I dont know...
She keeps saying "love," but
I need something to back up her "love."

Only a word is not enuf...

Yeah..I'm bad..and even too bad...

but .. when I do love her...I give her al my heart and
do my best to give her everything in every aspect...

Tell her for me...
If she is not sure or not ready to stop..
talk to me,
tell me she is not ready...
tell me she still wanna have fun with several ppl...

tell her not to drag my life into suffer...
but if she is sure ... about me..
about being with me...

tell her to be sensitive and think of my heart...

She does nt hav to be with me 24 hours a day...
7 days a week..

everyone has space..

but ... tell her to find the meaning of the word "relationship"
from www.dictionary.com

tell her to see how many types of it and
if it's about Love..and being a gf of somone...

What does the word say??

Tell her my love is not a rubbish ...
or if it is..it the one tat cant be recycled..

I love her today..but if one day I do not love her...
I will nver again love her...

Tell her to take care of our love
once she decided to make a commitment...make it the best

She believes in God...
if it's the God's will for us to have this relationship

plz do not disappoint him...
tell her to try her best...not to cincai doing things like tis...

We do not believe in the same God but..
our God ... made us know...
and fell in love...

now it's about us...it depends on us...

How do we take care of the gift from our God??

Another Day

Went to the test today, did not feel good with it.
I thought about what we argued a lot.
I went to college late and could not find the exam venue.
Luckily a lecturer helped me.
I ran around and looked every room, was sweating when reached the hall.

Out of 100 questions, I quite sure only 52 but it always like that lah.
Just pass the test is ok for me already.

I made you cry again today,
I asked too much from you again.

I don't know what is the limit.
You've already given me more than enough, but I never feel enough.

I hate we are not being together...
I miss you, miss the time you are here with me.

For now, it's like waiting to see you again but
don't know when.
Assignments, exams ...all are coming together.
I can't really concentrate especially the time that we quarrel,
just because of I start to talk about those things, again and again.

Please forgive me for what I did.
Every time I hurt you, my heart is breaking too.

I'm complicated, too complicated til even me myself do not understand
what I'm doing.
I want you but don't know why keep hurting you.

May be again, I'm scared ....
scared to be the one you have to hide from others,
scared you will not have only me.

I always feel I'm not good enough...but thx you one thing
one sentence you said to me..
"you are not my choices but you are my decision."
I will remember it,
may be one day, you will find that you made the very wrong "decision."

I love you, babe.
I'm sorry.... I will be better.

~me~

Lots of things to think and to do these days,
I feel really tired.

I try to be cold to you as I don't know how should
I act when I'm not here anymore.

I hate the months of March and April because
most of my past relationships ended in these two months.

I'm afraid it will happen between you and me.

I don't know when will you read this coz
I did not tell you I write it here.
I just want it to be like a diary...
to express what I feel and why I did those things to you.

Once you read it, you will understand.
I'm not good at talking and telling you what I want.
I feel like disappear from the world for few days
and hope when I come back, everything will be better.

I hate what I'm doing now,
I don't really know what I want.

I try hard to study for the test tomorrow but seem like
the book is too big to finish reading it tonight.
I will try again anyway...^_^

I hope I won't do more stupid things,
I hope I won't be mad at you anymore...I hope...

Things are complicated in my mind,
I just don't know where to go and what to do.
The plan I had was destroyed.

Somewhere far away opens for me to be there but
I don't wanna go that far...coz of what, I've already told you.

Haiz...really mad and don't know what to do...
wish you are here to help me think...but
you are not.

I understand about the differences in our ages and distance.
Sometimes I act like a kid and playing with you
does not mean that I don't think anything in my head.

You don't know every time I look at you, I always question that
"how long can I have this girl with me like this?"

I'm not an impressive person.
I can't make you happy everyday or even bring new excited things into your life.
I'm just an ordinary with low self-esteem about love.

Please tell me if you are not sure about anything,
I won't be able to handle if one day you suddenly
disappear from my life.

~~~~~~

~I don't know how long I can love "a person," as I don't always "love."~

It's not the first time I ask a person to be my girlfriend...
I don't remember how long ago I did that.

Last Friday, I did it again ... and the answer was "yes."
Truly telling you here babe, I don't know how good I can be.

It was funny standing in front of the border and asked you to be with me.
I should do it in the better place at least to make you have better memory
about our starting day...I'm sorry...

I wanted to ask you many days already but ... I was not sure
"about myself." Not that I don't love you but it was about I'm afraid
I can't love you well enough.

I used to live my life with full of one-night-stands and
a short period excitement.
I don't cherish girls who came into my life.

You made it very hard for me to say it out...coz so long I never thought of having a
"serious relationship."
You made me feel like want to take care of you forever...
when I know in my heart that...I'm not even near the word "good."

We met each other not for so long and things happened so fast,
but I feel happy being with you these days.
It was a very tired trip. We had limited time with too many plans.
We did not do all we wanted but being with you is all I want.

You completed everything I wanted.
I don't need a perfect person to be with me ... I just need someone simple
and love me...yea...you had both of them.

I wish you can be here longer...
I wish we can spend more time to learn about each other...
It may happen but just not now, not today.

That make me feel scared...
You may meet lots of people ... and one day you may fall for someone..
who is nearer and can take care of you better than I do.
I may meet lots of people...and something or someone may make me change my love for you.

I'm not looking down on your love for me
and I'm not planning to have others but the distance sometimes make us
misunderstand each other and when the conflict happens...
we may do something stupid just to hurt each other.

I care with every little things that sometimes you may not realize.
I feel sad with every little things even you sms can make me feel like
you are cold to me when you don't mean that.

I'm scared of crossing the line and bringing myself into your life too much...
when love is not about that.
I should be in a part that you allow me to be...not crossing the line.

Few days with me, I guess you know a lot how to deal with me...
for me, you are still complicated but I know more about you.

You cry a lot and you sleep a lot as well. -_-!!
It's very hard to wake you up....
I feel that I smile a lot when I'm with you
and you laugh a lot...I'm not sure It coz of me or not...

I don't know what can I say more...
I don't know what I feel except want to hug you here again.

I will try babe, not to think to much, not to be emo and also will not skip class.
I know I love you and I do not want to lose you.
You make me feel wanna improve myself and my life.
I wanna have everything good to take care of you.
I don't know how good I can do
but I'm gonna try my best.

Sorry babe, I don't always "love."
I don't know what to do when I'm in love.
Sorry if I hurt you always,
sorry if I make you cry always,
sorry for everything I did ....
I love you babe ... here you make me say it again.

~accept or just leave it~`~??

Telling you here,
I'm not a perfect person.
I'm a drunker, I'm a loser and
I'm just an ordinary person who can hurt you anytime.

I do like you and I'm going to love you, BUT
I do not know how good I can be.

I do not want you to put any hope on me,
coz I'm afraid of responsibilities, may be just as
some other people do.

Babe, I do not wanna lose you.
Babe, I do wanna have you here in my arms to
tell you how much I care.

But, I'm always afraid and
everything I do is to protect myself from getting hurt.

You are a mysterious of my life that
I need more and more time to find out.

I know I can just type everything here and
ask you straightly but I do not want to do that.
I do not know why too.

I do want you here in front of me to be asked coz
if there is anything wrong,
I can hug you and ask you not to go away.
I hate the feeling of being alone with
too many questions in my mind.

I am afraid of one day I will feel running away
and leave everything behind.
I do not know what you will feel that day,
but you seem so strong until sometimes,
it seem you are cold to me.

Not every minute I want to hear everything from you,
but I do need to hear that you need me as I do need you.

I am weak coz what I have gone through but,
babe you are not responsible for anything before
you know me.

Remember what you said to me,
I want you, I need you and I desperate for you...
Babe, I do feel them too.

Not so long to wait and we will meet but for me,
everyday pass so slow.

I can't wait to see you, again.
I hope things will be great just as the first night we had,
the great time of you and me as well.

I do miss you, a lot.

...you...

What to say here huh?
You are the one who really make me feel alive.
I had not felt this good for so long or I did not even think
that I can feel this way again.
I want to write it in Thai but you won't understand
although you are a Thai...haha....

I want to tell you here that
please do not worry about anything you see.
I think if I see you write sumtin like tat, I will
feel damn painful....
but it's all history and it won't repeat.

I'm sorry for being "emo" to you many times
since we knew.
I would like to take this place, here and now
to APOLOGIZE.
We need more time to learn about each other,
I hope during we are learning, we can keep the
amount of conflict low.

You are going to be so tired this coming week,
I'm here to support you and want you to
make all the thing to be the best.

Many things about you still uncleared, but
I will leave them somewhere until the day we meet.

Thx everything in this world that led me to that place
on that night. What is going to happen after today,
I believe at least we had the very best time
that we are going to remember.

Not everyday we go somewhere, and meet a person who we want
to know more and more like this.
I'm glad you are somewhere for me,
accompany me when I need you.

Thank you for everything,
I do not know how long it will be.
I do not wanna lose you but
if one day, it has to happen.
I will accept the fact,
and....say
"it's fate."

Babe.....
you know I like to call you...